I should've known...

Once more life teaches me new lessons. It's amazing how time can shape the way we interpret the world around us. How often do we expect something from someone and  disappoint ourselves  and makes us see that the world is not the way we would like it to be. My days are sadder because life has just given me one more reality shock. How someone who became an example which you wanted to follow suddenly becomes the most fragile and defeated person you know? .. how suddenly the friend you always hoped to have and finally was happy to have, turns its back without even saying goodbye? I always try to expect the best from people but I always end up disappointing myself  but now the fall hurt a bit more than it should and when you unwittingly fall in love for the wrong person, fall for one who can not give you anything in return but what about when it's good enough for you only when the person is with you.. what about when your amazing person decides to just forget you..How it hurts .. how I wish you could see how much it hurts me but does you even care? I think you have never given the value that I deserve and  if you had, you would not have left me for a simple complication, a little misscomunication. 
My head and heart are in conflict as always, even if I was wrong to expect more and more and even if you have not act in the right way but I still wish that no proud of this world let you miss the chance to back up .. I tried not to let you make this huge mistake but everyone knows what they do, at least they should do. I never wanted to hurt you much less make you feel used! Everything I was,every little feeling I felt was real intense and without masks or disguise because I gave the best of me from the bottom of my heart... but for you my feelings might not mean anything..  What a shame, what a pitty for you to had take so long to show who you really are, what a pitty for me to have tought one day that you would be by my side...  Should've I known? All I wanted was to see the happiness of people I love around me but now I'm sure that I cant control everything around me but now as well I know how to control my heart and make it listen tho the prudence before my blind optimism.. I'll never forget you, will never forget what we been through... I miss you.

Once more as well Taylor knows how i feel: 

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt,every little bump in the road I tried to swerve but people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.....It's two a.m feelin' like I just lost a friend hope you know this ain't easy ,easy for me...

The fear of loving...

Sometimes in our life we feel like there was no more anything to happen but, surprising or not, the destiny took charge to make things work out! Since my last post, almost anything has changed excepting the feeling of being too close to a door that I don’t know if I'm ready to open it up. Life had been shown so quiet and boring that I should've suspected that something extremely huge was about to blow out! I'll try to make you understand what I want to say without letting you know about all the private details... Some posts ago I mentioned this : "For a long time I could handle the fact of being single, lovingly forlorn…I like to remember that there was a very special time for me after I have found out about what I really wanted to me; there was a very special person who in the same way that came into my life, left me without any explanation, just left me a huge nostalgic feeling of someone who loved me the way I’m for first time in my life and made me feel the same thing, made me believe in my dreams but this unfair life took it from me forever… After this experience I have never found someone who could see in me the glow of love - April 1st, the loneliness"

Now comes the time for the improbable and unexpected news, the person who I thought that life had take away from me forever is back again and more alive than ever! The weirdest thing is that deeply in my heart I always knew the truth... I wonder if I'm stupid for being afraid to be happy, to be completed... Everything happened so fast and I still need to close my eyes and define the right place for each feelings of my heart... I dont want to hurt anyone, I dont want to hurt myself as well. The question that I need the answer is : Do I still feel the same feeling as I felt in the past?  The lingering question kept me up, 2am, who do I love? I wonder 'till I'm wide awake, now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door..

There I was again that night forcing laughter, faking smiles,same old tired, lonely place, walls of insincerity, shifiting eyes and vacancy vanished when I heard your voice, all I can say is it was enchanting to meet you again. Last night was sparkling, I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home, dancing around all alone. I'll spend forever wondering if you knew, last night was  flawless. This was me praying that this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends. My thoughts echoed your name until I see you again...These are the words I held back as you were leaving too soon "I was enchanted to meet you." Please don't be in love with someone else...please don't have somebody waiting on you...

The rush is worth the price I pay…

Well spending all this time at home, unoccupied and motionless has been driving me into the craziness because at the beginning of my journey I thought that this “free-time” could be a good chance for to organize my life and principally my mind however the empty time after certain period of time turns into a big road without a destination. Deeply in my mind I’m aware that I’m the mainly responsible for the delay in my life and now I realize after all the wasted opportunities that I must react ahead all these mistakes!

     The biggest danger of being a wild dreamer is to feed the wrong expectations for an uncertain future. Particularly sometimes I catch me inquiring myself about the choices that I’ve made to my life and honestly I don’t know if I’m pretty sure about my psychological preparation to face the crazy experiences which are to come. Every time I’m with my family and friends having a good time the linger question catches me up: “Do you really wanna leave home?” Simultaneously comes to my mind pictures of all the special moments that I’d be regretted to have missed…

      Somewhere inside of my heart something tells me to not give up of my dreams and to not be slave of feelings which are arise from insecurity.  I’m holding up my head and keep believing in what I’ve designed to my future and nothing besides God will be able to stop me!

Always being a little bit too dramatic and I forgot to mention all the good things that have been happening to my life!  In comparison with the last post I must confess that physically I’ve reached what I needed however I’ve not reached yet what my heart needs. The other good news is about the last holiday where I met so many special people which captivated me in a way I could never expect! Unforgettable moments that made me see and comprehend a lot of things about people that I couldn’t do. Another thing which makes me happier is to have found good new friends and be sure that the old good friendships keep getting stronger everyday! Thanks God! 

"The friendship develops happiness and reduces suffering, doubling our joy and dividing our pain." Joseph Addison                  

The loneliness

I knew that I’d be back again to my refuge unburdening this feeling that I bring in my heart now. For a long time I could handle the fact of being single, lovingly forlorn…I like to remember that there was a very special time for me after I have found out about what I really wanted to me; there was a very special person who in the same way that came into my life, left me without any explanation, just left me a huge nostalgic feeling of someone who loved me the way I’m for first time in my life and made me feel the same thing, made me believe in my dreams but this unfair life took it from me forever… After this experience I have never found someone who could see in me the glow of love. Everyone around me keep living and carring on with their lives and I think I’m on the way of doing the same at least on the subject of my academic and professional life( hahahaha) but I don’t know what’s happening to me that makes me feel so in need of someone by my side. I’ m not the kind of person who just wants someone to hangout a couple of times, I’m the kind of person who wants to find the true love and feel fulfilled at all… Yes, this is exactly what you thought! I wanna date seriously someone! (Is it so old-fashioned for the current time?)

How could it be so difficult? Where is that romanticism that our grandparents used to have? I miss the conquest of love and all the way that tracks for achieving it! I wish I could find the one who understand my way and make me learn with our relationship. I wish I had that someone to look into the eyes and see the respect, affection, admiration with just a glance!

The worst’s I always find myself expecting, waiting, dreaming about someone that I might never find but even though I still believe in this possibility. A big problem that I have in these occasions is the lack of self-confidence! Usually the person I’m dealing with, in my opinion, is prettier and cleverer than me and that makes me lose my confidence, my shine. People tell me that I completely wrong but this point is not about what they think of me but what I think about myself!  I have qualities, I’m aware of it. Maybe what is necessary is enhancing each one of these qualities and trying to make people see it more clearly on me…There are still many things that need to be changed in me… things about my appearance which are fixable but takes a little time to get better.

 I wonder if I’m already able to find the one who really makes my legs shake and my heart beat faster and on the other hand feels the same of me. The one who will accept and like me the way I’m physically and spiritually. What I can do is cross my fingers, try not to be so anxious about it and try to cope with my loneliness because my turn will come soon! =}

My future..

I like to lay my head down on the pillow and start to think about my future… Start to think about everything I wish to reach in my life. My daddy always says to me a simple phrase but with an important message;    

“Who doesn’t know where wants to go never get anywhere”. 

Then I think that my dreams are the first step of my  success and “Dreams” is the word which best describes who I’m and who I want to be!

However I have to be realistic and be aware that even the biggest dreamer has all the probabilities to fail… There is another phrase that means a lot to me: “A goal without a plan is just a wish - Antoine de Saint-Exupery”. So if you really want to achieve something important in your life you need to know what it is, so when you know what you want and want so much to reach your goal, then you need a plan. After you already have the plan and it is possible, you just have to follow your path…

Sometimes when we give up in the middle of the path you just need to be sure about what it’s better for you because nothing is worth if you get what you need but not what you want.  Sacrifices are sometimes necessary to reach the goods, spending many years abroad away from my family and from friends is a such huge sacrifice to me but I know that all these experiences will make me a better professional and a better person. Making my own money for the first time to afford what I want, working on a luxurious cruise around many countries in Europe and knowing how to live with different opinions and cultures will turn my adaption in America so much easier though I already carry the experience that I've owned in Canada. However going to college in U.S is still something which really freaks me out  when I think about the adaption with the advanced level of English, roommates and the responsibility to keep my scholarship but inside of me I'm sure that I'm capable to get over it the problem is the restiveness... hahahahaha

I have to admit that I'm kind nervous about my life on board.. I've never worked in my life and  it is a single and crazy chance at the same time since I'll visit many countries every week and meeting a lot of interesting people although I'll have to work hard during the most part of the time and always concerned to provide the best possible service for passengers but never forgetting another positive aspect perhaps the most important ; the remuneration, salary, the payment!!! The main goal is to save money to afford my university studies in the United States however in many moments  of my trip I will be tempted to buy many interesting  stuff hehehehehe but I will have to hold tight and save the most of what I will earn! 

Anyway I'll live one thing at a time without fear of being happy because the good in life is to live and enjoy this giant world that is around us!  So that's it.. I 'll held my head high and be strong because everything's worth in the search for the success . :D

  

Towards the right direction?

People always say that we should follow our hearts but to be honest I've never taken it very seriously because that not always worked for me.. I wasn't expecting what happened to me this week, without even realizing it, after an unexpected situation, I followed what my heart told me to do. The last post was for me like a shot in the dark and I honestly didn’t believe it could help the way it helped…yeah for the first time I guess I was at least a little succeeded. However creating expectations is not the best thing to do because I usually get hurt when these things don’t happen the way I thought they would do. .. It’s funny how Taylor’s songs was are able to illustrate my moments perfectly and the music that I cant stop listening today is “If This was a movie”.. check this video out:

It is somewhat curious how Taylor's songs can  fit perfectly in my moments and even report facts accurately...

Life is kind of funny because on the moday post stated that probably I wouldn't post anymore this week for the lack of important things to say.. :\

So what am I going to do next I really dont know.. i'm fucking confused and insecure about what's going to happen now and at the same time afraid to keep waiting and making the same mistake  I've done before.. We spend most of our lives waiting for things to happen, and in the meantime, life happens so fast that while you're waiting, you miss out on the important things.  

I have no words to say what i want to say so listen to this part of the song:


"If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on, I've been waiting for you ever since you've been gone, I just want it back the way it was before, And I just wanna see you back in my front door, And I say...
Come back, come back, come back to me like You would before you said "It's not that easy", Before the fight, before I let you out, But I take it all back now."
That's it.

Nostalgia..

I'll publish this post based on a person with a song...

Well...it's never easy to talk or even think about this..So many people have gone through my life and some of them were really, really special but even a big lover is not compared to you. You are the one that I most miss in my life and being so close and distant of you at the same time kills me always when I think about the story of us..

"Oh simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall out so many things that I wish you knew so many walls up I can't break through.." The year of 2010 was the year of "super" complication and miscommunications which made ​​so many wounds and weakened us in a way that we broke up without any explanation…"I don't know what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now" ...When I had the chance to say what I needed to say to you I screwed it up..and the beautiful story of a true friendship turned into a tragedy...

Next chapter...  "You held your pride like you should've held me..Oh, I'm scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing?" Holding our pride as always .. this is inside of us and we know the proud doesn't make us any better ... Losing you forever is one of my most horrifying feelings and absentmindedly I prefer to pretend that someday all this mess is going to be okay.. Why are we pretending this is nothing?! 

"This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less but I liked it better when you were on my side.The battles in your hands now but I would lay my armor down if you said you'd rather love than fight".

 I loved you so much and never needed to tell you this because being by your side was just enough for me… Now is different. Not different because of the feelings but because of lack of your presence in my life. Why are we acting like this? This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less but I really liked my friend when you were on my side. I always was sure about what I wanted but never acted like the way it should be… Today I read something you said and I don’t know if I was misunderstood but I desperately thought that words could be referring about me and here I’m to say to you that the battle’s in your hands now because I already laid my armor down because I’d rather love than fight.

“I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly and people would say they're the lucky ones. I used to know my place was the spot next to you…Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat” I believe I wasn’t the only one who used to think one day we’d tell the story of us; how two friends together owned  the world of their dreams and how much they were the lucky ones…

“Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking and I'm dying to know is it killing you like its killing me”

It’s my chance to admit that even if I have all the best friends by my side what I had with you was something different than everything… Even standing in a crowded room I still miss a part of my heart, you... I wish you could forgive me and only you and me rebuild what was stolen of us... 

Soon I'll be leaving for a new life and after this happen our story could end trully forever...even with this tragical ending i'd like to ask you to never forget what meant for you because for me you're unforgettable,

I miss you.

The end.

Just let it flow...

Good Monday to all! After a restless weekend here I am on this boring Monday morning… Every time this day comes unfortunately the blue mood is included.  After a lot of fun, staying home abandoned and in a cloudy day looks like a heat shock...To complete the perfect day the hangover still haunts me.  

Finally I going to my dentist today at 5 pm, it's been a long time no going to visit her, what's very unusual for me because I have brackets (what a shame), I can’t wait to remove them! 

After the Saturday party I realized how much I am outdated about the Latest Top Tunes of this year... So I designed to myself a challenge that it is: "Find all the unknown songs which you listened at the party"! This is an awkward feeling because I felt as if I had been stuck on time and it doesn’t feel good so I don’t wanna look like a weird guy who isn’t catch up with the latest trends beyond what, I like to be linked with the world!

Today at the lunch time, sister invited a couple friends to have lunch with us and as she already knows, I like when she brings her friends to home and that made my day less borring because the routine is usually boring to me!

Now in the evening dad called me to ask me a favor, it was a translation of one phrase that he had received from his computer adviser but  he didn’t know what it meant so after I did the favor when he was sufficient meek  for  the sudden request  I took the chance to talk about the expensive course that I needed to do because of  the cruise job requirement and without any blah blah blah he accepted to defray it! He’ll call me on Wednesday and finally i'll take the last step to my new life...on board!

On the next few days I wont probably be writing on the blog because of the lack of interesting news to share.. maybe I can post something not related with my routine but with something I think is cool enough :} 

The party never ends..

Hey there.. This is an unprecedented fact, I write three consecutive days on my blog! Well, yesterday after the “Sushi time” with the guys at Philadelphia sushi bar we spent a good time at Sabrina’s home but an unpleasant fact made ​​the night imperfect. One of our friends didn’t have dinner with us because of her boyfriend. She wanted to go but the stupid boyfriend wanted to avoid us and forced ​​her to spend the night alone with him while we all had fun near to where they were but we did not know…I got home at 1 am and that’s to early than I usually arrive!  

In the morning I was woken by a phone call. Fernanda was inviting me to spend the day in the pool at Sabrina’s home. The day was very pleasant although the subject of our friend who left us last night didn’t go out of our minds ... after all she appeared and we talked about all that stuff and finally we understood better her situation…  Tonight I’m going to really celebrate Sabrina’s birthday at the club! Omg I waited so long for this night.. Music Box club is the power!!! :D 

In a feel hours i'll have to be ready to leave so i'm going to have some sleep before I go..